some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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