my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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