Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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