There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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