let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
