After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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