what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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