broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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