just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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