Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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