i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
