watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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