margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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