i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
