Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
