The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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