Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
there is puke in my bra ... again
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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