Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
