my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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