Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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