so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize