I haven't been this sober since birth.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
