woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
