And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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