I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
