I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
