im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
