I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
