I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
