GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
