Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
