So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
