I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
