Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
