i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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