How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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