apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
