This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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