When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
