Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
