Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
