Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
