Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i love accidental penises.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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