somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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