Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
