i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So here I am, sexting at work.
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