Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
