I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
