Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
