I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
MIDGETS
????
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
