The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize