All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize