my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
