my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
