there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
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