You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
