He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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