what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
