after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
